It's Not All Roses

Depression is a daily struggle. A struggle that no one can fully comprehend unless they have suffered from it. I use the term suffered because depression is a mental illness.

The term "depressed" is used so lightly in our society that very few people can get a grip on the fact that it is an actual illness.

I hear people everyday saying "that is so depressing", "it depresses me" etc and even I am guilty of using phrases like these. But does that make it acceptable? When I say "uni work depresses me", does it really? Is it causing me to be depressed? Is it making me mentally ill? No.

What I'm trying to say is, any word that is overused or used out of context will begin to lose meaning.

Take the word "love". I don't think anyone is really clear on what love is anymore. It is used to describe near enough everything.

- "I love pizza"

- "I love my new shoes"

- "I love sleep"

- "I love the smell of.."

The list is endless.

Words can easily lose meaning.

This is exactly what I think has happened with the words depressed and depression.

Would I be wrong if I said the majority of people (or at least a high number of people) would classify depression as feeling sad for a few days? If I am, I apologise. But from what I've seen, few people actually understand what depression is and even fewer can actually comprehend what it's like to suffer from it.

For those of you who fortunately haven't experienced depression (or any other mental illness for that matter) I am going to try and set the scene as best I can.

However, emotions and feelings can be hard to "put down on paper" so please go easy on me, I'm doing the best I can. Also, I am only one person and I can only share how I have felt, what its been like for me and what I can assume it would be like for others.

If you haven't already guessed it, I have suffered from depression. This is probably one of the main reasons mental illnesses is something that lies on my heart.

I decided to write this blog because I have seen for myself people who just don't understand how hard it is to live with a mental illness.

I'm not going to name and shame, especially with it being such a sensitive topic, but I was speaking with a friend recently about depression and how it starts to control your life, and no matter how hard you try otherwise, depression controls your thoughts. Negative thoughts are always there and you're so helpless, they won't go away. Their response to this was that "you have complete control over your thoughts". I wish this was true.

If that statement were true I would have been able to avoid the suicide attempts, the many hours spent in hospital after overdoses, the vague scars on my wrists.. Please tell me how I had complete control over my thoughts. Thoughts that I wasn't good enough. Thoughts that there was no point in me living. Thoughts that there was no hope.

People tried to tell me I was worth so much more, that there was hope for me, that life was worth living..but depression blinded me and I failed to see my own worth, for me it seemed like there was no hope and life was definitely not worth living.

These are the kind of thoughts someone with depression has. Sometimes it's mild and the negative thoughts aren't as intense. But depression can cause a person to think that the best solution is to end their life.

To me, that is far from someone having any control over what they think.

Imagine the worst day you've had then times that by 10. Okay, you've got some kind of image? Well that might not even come close to the day of someone with a mental illness.

I am talking so much about depression because it's really all the first hand experience I have other than a few panic attacks and minor anxiety.

Living with depression is one of the hardest struggles I will ever have to go through. Each day is practically a fight for your life, a fight against your own thoughts. Do you know how hard it is to fight your own thoughts? I remember thinking to myself, "I can't go on, my life has no purpose, this is too hard of a battle, I need to die". Now imagine thinking my thoughts. It's not a nice image. But now try to think how hard it would be, keep in mind those thoughts are racing round your head, to tell yourself your life is worth living, that you have so much a head of you and that you have a purpose. It would be very difficult right?

Living with depression has caused me to cry myself to sleep many nights in a row.

Living with depression has meant that it's been a struggle not to pick up a knife and start to cut myself.

Living with depression changed who I was.

Living with depression made me force my friends away.

Living with depression placed endless amounts of struggles in my life that I couldn't begin to share with you.

This is why I have attempted suicide. I'm still here because I thankfully have a very supportive family and some very important friends. But depression is a real life illness that real life people have to suffer with.

I asked a friend "Why are mental illnesses treated differently to physical ones?". Their response was "Because they're open to interpretation". It's statements like these that make me feel that not enough people are aware of what a mental illness actually is.

Mental illnesses aren't always apparent but they are just as serious as any other illness (if not more so in some cases). You never know who is being affected by a mental illness. Life for them is a struggle and can be scary. But just because it isn't obvious that someone is suffering from depression doesn't mean that is should be looked at lightly nor should there be stigma attached.

If you know someone who is suffering a mental illness, step up to the challenge and be the person who shows them that battling through this will be worth it. Let them know, show them, that they are worth so much more than becoming another statistic.

Let's raise awareness, not stigma.

If you think you're living with depression (or any other mental illness for that matter), I think the best port of call would be to phone your doctor (or call in to your health centre/make an appointment with your GP), they will be able to advise you further. If you feel uncomfortable with this (don't worry, I did at first as well) please don't keep it to yourself. It is very important that you share how you're feeling with someone. Pick a close friend or relative that you can open up to, start small. There is also a help service called Lifeline who operate 24/7 and specialise in dealing with people just like you and I. If you want to give them a call (it's free) the number is 0808 808 8000. With Lifeline you can remain anonymous or share your details with them, it's up to you!

Please don't suffer in silence. You're worth so much more.

I would just like to remind you that I am far from a specialist and I haven't been trained to advise those suffering with a mental illness. BUT I have been there myself, I know exactly what it's like and I've probably had to deal with some of the same struggles.

If you would like to hear more about my story, feel free to drop me an email :)

Later! ♥